One Spring Day

Since my husband announced that he wanted a divorce, I have read maybe 10 different books, countless articles and listened to numerous podcasts about divorce and relationship. I want to learn to cope, to heal and to get through this difficult path.

The one thing common in everything I read is that: Divorce is hard.

But, no matter how hard those books and articles have described Divorce to be, the reality of Divorce is so much harder than that. Especially if you are the Left and not the Leaver, the Receiver and not the Initiator.

One thing that I have been – and continued – to be struggled with is the question of “Why”:

⁃ Why my spouse forgot all the great things he said to me just a few months ago?

⁃ Why my spouse can just get up and give up without trying?

⁃ Why my spouse can be so cold and heartless?

⁃ Why my spouse can not think about the kids?

⁃ Why my spouse can just let go of everything so easily?

Those books and articles can probably help me feel better, but none of them can help me with any of these “Why’s”.

I asked my (soon to be ex) husband once, he said I might never know. And if he tried to explain it would probably just make me more angry.

I know he is probably right. I know that I would never be able to find answers for my own marital problems. I know that we are at the point of no return, and that a marriage cannot work with only 1 person willing to try.

But I keep asking myself “Why?”

Perhaps that’s the nature instinct of the Spouse that’s left behind?

Perhaps that’s the nature instinct of Women? Who usually take the role of the Nurturer in a marriage?

Perhaps I’m just curious or trying hard to find a closure?

I don’t know.

What I know is that throughout this healing process, the crave to know “Why” has gradually started to be less and less profound.

With each day passing by, the needs to know is changing its shape. From the original desire to pin point the issues to fix the marriage – something that I do not have full control of – it has manifested into something bigger. The focus of this need is now ME, and the desire to better myself and understand the way I love and want to be loved.

I would take that as a positive step in healing. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring. As long as it’s not another broken bone, I will be happy.