One Spring Day

06/18/2023

Dear Zii,

As I mentioned recently, I have good days and bad days. Lately, more good than bad. That is a good thing – for both me and you.

It’s a good thing for you as you can carry on your life with less guilt and more happiness. It’s a good thing for me as I feel like I have gained more confidence walking on my path.

Yesterday, and today, was another not-so-good kind of day.

Yesterday marked the 2 months since the day you told me that you loved R.

Today is Father’s Day, the first of such day we no longer celebrate as a family.

I missed you yesterday. I also missed you today.

Or to be exact- as a wise friend told me – I missed the old you, the Zii version 1.0. The version that no longer exists.

I was grieving my past, your past, our past. Because my real Zii died 8 months, 12 months, or maybe 18 months ago? I don’t know exactly when he passed away from my life, but I am certain he’s gone.

As I’m grieving my Zii, I am also grieving the future that I dreamed of. A future that, as it turns out, was only mine and mine alone. A future that never had the chance to be conceived.

As I’m grieving my Zii, I am hoping that one day – like you wished for me – I will be able to find a person who could love me as much as you love R.

A girl could hope, couldn’t she?