One Spring Day

I have been thinking about the correlation between my marriage and my impending divorce.

People get married for many reasons. For love, for money, for infatuation, for pregnancy, for business arrangement and even for conveniences. Love may just be an excuse for any of those reasons. I have come to realize.

In general I’m a glass-half-empty kind of person. I tend to assume the worst. Yet somehow in relationships I always put all I have into it. My energy, heart, my soul, my trust.

I always believe that marriage is for love and love is forever. So marriage is forever, right? At least my marriage, or so I thought.

Kind of ironic come to think of it, on the most important thing in my life I used my heart instead of my head.

But how can a matrimony be a sacred truthful relationship when you don’t devote your whole into it?

My Mom often calls me “gullible”.

My ex-best friend used to say that I was “living in a bubble”. While I am quite pessimistic about life, I perceived (my) marriage as full of rainbow and sunshine.

And perhaps that is where I failed.

I failed when I thought my marriage was for Love.

I failed when I thought the Love was mutual.

I failed when I was gullible and could only see rainbow and sunshine.

I failed in so many ways, but the most devastating failure is that I thought I was married for love (and that love is forever).

Then I realized I was just the right person who appeared in his life at the right place, in the right time. The safest bet and the only option – hence the best – he had at the time.

My marriage was based on conveniences.

My marriage was a harbor. A harbor built on the foundation of conveniences. A place of safety, of comfort, of support.

So, when things became inconvenient, everything collapsed into a shamble.

There was no attempt to rebuild, because there were no more conveniences. There was nothing to rebuild upon.

That is The Cold Hard Truth.